Am I bad at Tinder or am I just unattractive?

Q

I saw something you posted on twitter about how a third of people on Tinder had sex within 6 hours and I’m writing to you because I must be in the other two thirds because I’ve had no success on tinder at all.  I’m a guy, I have 3 photos and a short bio.  I’ve gotten matches and even set up a couple of dates, but everything has fallen through and I’ve literally never met anyone off it.  I think it’s time to just give up and delete the app but I thought I’d ask first if you know what I could be doing wrong?  Or if it’s more likely that I’m just unattractive… thanks.

A

First I desperately have to clear up the statistic that you’re referring to.  I was reporting data from a new study that was reported at the International Academy of Sex Research 2015 conference, and what the researchers actually found was that of the respondents who’s last sexual partner was someone that they met on Tinder, 1/3 had sex within the first 6 hours of meeting.  So that doesn’t mean a third of people on Tinder get laid within 6 hours of using the app.  It means that out of those who HAVE gotten lucky from Tinder, a third of these sexual encounters happened relatively quickly after the users first met.

So the first thing you can do is relax in the knowledge that most Tinder users are absolutely not getting laid within 6 hours of their first swipe.

Without seeing your profile, matches, and messages I can’t really tell you if and exactly where you’re going wrong. 

There are a lot of mistakes to be made, and you might be making all of them, but you might also be making none.  Because half the battle of Tinder for straight guys is simply that there is a lot of competition.  The best way to get ahead of the rest is to gain an understand of women’s experience of the app (because it’s very different to yours).

Firstly women get approximately a billion more matches than you, even if they’re not that attractive. 

This means that even if they are interested in you, there are 50 other dudes talking to them at the same time, so if just one of those 50 seems a little bit better than you she has no time to reply to you anymore.

Secondly there are people on Tinder who have no intentions of actually meeting anyone, and are rather using the app as a gauge of how attractive they are.

This means that even though you match with someone it doesn’t mean they are interested in you at all.  It could just mean she wanted to see if you thought she was attractive.

Thirdly there’s the issue of drunk swiping, or swiping for a joke with her friends etc.

Again meaning you might get a match with someone who never found you attractive.  This sucks of course, but it’s all part of the game.  You shouldn’t take anything too personally because remember you’re being judged on a few pictures, a little bio, and maybe a few ‘Hey, u ok?’ messages.   So it’s not really an accurate judgement of your worth.

So basically all you have to do is be slightly better than the other billion matches she has.

 

Here’s a little 4-step guide on how to be slightly better at Tinder:

 

1.

Obviously the main key to success on Tinder is to be physically attractive, and to use photos that showcase your attractiveness without making you look like a fucking idiot.  That means: no photos showing off your body unless the photo is taken in a context where it makes sense that your topless (eg. the beach), no selfies that are obviously selfies, and no group pics with a bunch of girls to show how popular you are with the ladies.

If you’re physically unattractive you’re kind of fucked and Tinder probably isn’t the best way for you to meet women because the whole basis of the app is physical attraction.  But you can try and compensate by posting photos that instead showcase other attractive qualities that you have. However, there are other ways to meet women that will more successfully demonstrate these qualities.  

If you have absolutely no attractive qualities then I think you should delete the app and try and develop some.  

2.

Next up your bio.  My personal opinion is that there is nothing good you can write in a dating app bio.  Whatever you say will be gross to me.  If you just say '6”2', that’s gross, if you make a joke, that’s gross, if you say you’re “just looking for a nice down to earth girl”, that’s seriously repulsive and I’d screen shot it and send it to my friends. 

But I think other women do actually like information and humour and things like that, so I took the time to ask a few normal women what they like to see in a tinder bio.   But it turns out I’m not that abnormal.  The overall finding was that less is more.  It’s a lot easier to say something that’s a turn off than is a turn on.

So keep it empty or short and sweet.

3.

Once your profile is perfected and you're swiping for matches, don’t swipe yes for everyone that’s just lazy and rude.  Select women you actually find attractive in one-way or another.  If you find you’re getting no matches, then you’ve over estimated your own attractiveness and you need to broaden your criteria.

 

4.

Now let’s assume you’ve got some matches, you’re probably going to have to send the first messages.  The number one most important thing is to not use an obviously copy and pasted message.  That is beyond insulting to a human.  Don’t have an opener, or a line, or a really quirky question.  It’s always gross and contrived and women aren’t dumb and can see right through it.  

Say something or ask a question that makes sense.  It can relate to her bio or photos to show that you’ve actually taken the time to look and read.  But try and be creative because remember 50 other guys just sent her a message with the same joke about the same photo.

Most importantly get to the point quickly.  You need to a.) prove that you’re not a freak or weirdo, b.) show that you are respectful and kind and then c.) directly ask her out and offer a couple options (‘drinks after work on Tuesday? Or coffee on Saturday?’)

You should do all this within 48 hours of matching.  Then you can quickly find out who’s actually interested in meeting and who isn’t.  Then you can go on a date.   And 6 hours later… HELLO.

THE END.

Posted on May 13, 2016 and filed under DATING APPS.