HELP! It takes me ages to get in the mood.

Q

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and things are going great, we're happy and I'd say we have a pretty good sex life. Although I have this weird thing at the moment where it takes me ages to get in the mood for sex and I don't often initiate anything. But I'll want to do it at the most inappropriate times when he doesn't want to or we can't do anything. When he gets me going though its great but i feel quite bad/worried and I think it upsets him too. Any ideas what this means and what I can do?

A

Your weird thing isn’t a weird thing at all.  You’re experiencing ‘responsive’ style arousal, which is really typical and not something to feel bad/worried about at all. 

All you have to do is actually sit down and explain to your boyfriend how your arousal works.  That way he can understand that your arousal works differently to his, and won’t need to feel upset because he will understand that it has nothing to do with your attraction or desire for him.

Keep in mind that it takes you a while to get in the mood, so that you don’t always reject his advances on occasions where you don’t particularly feel like sex, because you know that once you get going it will be awesome and enjoyable.

Continue to initiate at the time that you do experience spontaneous desire (unless by inappropriate times you mean like on the bus to work or over brunch with his Mum) and in return try not to be offended if he’s not in the mood when you initiate.  Come to an understanding that you are both individuals with complex lives and you’re not always gonna want to bang at the same time.