How do I tell my girlfriend I cheated on her?

Q

I’m in a situation where I really don’t know what to do and I’m not sure who to ask.  I’m in a long-term relationship with an amazing girl who I’m completely in love with. 

The problem is last summer I went on a family holiday and ended up on a night out with my older brother where we both got smashed.   We were sharing a room and my brother bought back two girls and I ended up kissing one of them and eventually let her give me head. 

It has been about 4 months and I’m finding it really difficult to be around my girlfriend in intimate situations because I am so conscious that I am hiding something huge from her.  My brother is the only one who knows about what happened and he wont talk about it really, just tells me to keep my mouth shut.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years and this is the only time I’ve done something like this.  I can’t believe I have hurt her in this way, and I just don’t know when or how to come clean. 

A

Well technically you haven’t hurt her as long as she is still in the dark about what happened.  I am tempted to side with your brother on this one.   As much as I believe in the huge importance of honesty and communication in relationships, I also believe that kindness is sometimes best expressed through omitting the truth.  

This isn’t an admission of a pattern of betrayal or an ongoing affair.  This is a one-time drunken fuck up in a 3-year relationship.  You sound genuinely ashamed and a bit tortured by your action, which leads me to assume you will avoid making the same mistake again.   

If you haven’t already, you should get tested (some STIs can be transmitted through head).  You should reflect on what happened and work out exactly where you began to go wrong that night, so you can prepare how you will avoid any future situations.

In telling her what happened 4 months ago, yes you will finally clear your conscience and remove your burden of deceit.  You will also probably deeply upset your girlfriend, and possibly end your relationship. 

HOWEVER like I said, honesty and communication are important, so before withholding the truth you need to take your girlfriend as an individual in to account.  The truth holds different importance for different people.  Infidelity holds different meaning for different people.  And I just can not know what a drunken blow job on holiday means to your girlfriend. 

Have you guys discussed the impact of cheating before?  Has she expressed that she would value the truth over you protecting her feelings?  Has she told you she will end the relationship if she ever found out you cheated?  You need to think about what is really in her best interest when you make this decision.

If you think that without the repercussions that come with telling her, you might end up a serial cheater, then you should tell her now.

Also, if there is ANYWAY that your girlfriend could find out what happened without you telling her, then you should tell her now.   

You’ve already written a confession here, so just send her a link…

Good Luck.

Posted on December 30, 2015 .