The Pursuit of Female Orgasm

Q

I am a girl and I never orgasm. I am in a long-term relationship and genuinely have good sex. When my boyfriend gives me head it is great, gets better and better, then it gets too much, i get a bit flinchy and the sensations pass. It is as if the orgasm is too much for my body and my body just rejects it. Other times it builds and builds and gets so good and then just randomly totally disappears. 

Do other people get this?? How can I finish??


A

When you say you 'never orgasm' does that mean you have literally NEVER orgasmed in your life, or you never orgasm from partnered sex?  If I knew you I would ask if you ever masturbate. 

Basically, the better you get at making yourself orgasm, the easier it becomes during sex. 

The situation that you describe is VERY common and there's a few potential causes and solutions.  So to answer your first question; yes, other people most definitely get this. Female orgasm is tricky as fuck and scientists don't even understand it at all yet, so it's hard to give informed advice.  But going with what we do know:

A lot of women report getting really really really close and then not making it past the finish line.  For some it's a psychological issue, of not being able to let go for whatever reason.  Often because so much emphasis is placed on reaching orgasm, and then partners get upset when they can't 'make you' orgasm, the pressure to get there actually gets in the way of getting there.  Did that make sense? I feel like that was a horrible sentence.  Basically trying to cum can be quite stressful.

“Female orgasm is tricky as fuck.”
— me

Another common psychological issue is straight up fear.  A lot of younger women freak out when they get close to orgasm (especially if they haven't experienced one yet) and think they're going to loose control and piss themselves or something.  The best way to get over this is to just not give a fuck.  You're in a committed long term relationship, if you piss yourself your boyfriend can just deal with it.

But the most likely problem is probably simply misinformation about orgasm, and a lack of understanding of your own body.  If you haven't EVER orgasmed before, then you certainly shouldn't expect to orgasm with a partner before working it out by yourself.  If masturbation is not your thing, then it's time to make it your thing.  Play around with different techniques, toys, positions, porn etc. and find out what makes you come!   And then integrate these things in to your partnered sex.  When you have a better understanding of your own orgasmic response, you can better instruct your boyfriend on how to get you there.  It's simple.  Men can cum from sex pretty consistently, because most of them have been wanking until orgasm for 5 years before they even loose their virginities.

Also remember (and make sure your boyfriend remembers) that orgasm doesn't have to be your goal every time you bone.  If him going down on you feels amazing, then just relax and get head until he literally can't do it anymore.

MOST women do not orgasm through penetrative sex, and a lot don't from oral sex either. Clitoral stimulation is key to female orgasm, and while oral might feel really good, it might not be intense enough stimulation to get all the way to climax.  Many women don't ever orgasm until they try using a vibrator.  Because some clits just need really intense, really direct stimulation.  And if that's your clit, just listen to your clit and buy the poor guy a vibrator.

By the way, there is no shame in your boyfriend getting you really really really close and then you whipping out a vibe and pushing yourself over the edge.  It doesn't matter who's hand/mouth/dick got you there, the beauty is in simply sharing the moment of orgasm with the one you love <3  

Posted on May 16, 2015 .