I caught my partner chatting up girls on Tinder, Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook... should we break up?

Q

I've been with my partner for 4 years? Over this time he has never physically cheated on me. That I know of. But he has been on several dating sites, tinder etc, chatting up girls via snapchat and Instagram Facebook. I caught him a few times he demanded he still wanted to be with me and it's been about a year since then.
I don't know if it's me but I don't feel turned on as much anymore, I used to be very sexual and j don't know if maybe him doing all that has affected how I see him? Would it be better breaking up? I do love him but I am constantly now a little bit paranoid and feel crazy.

A

You have a choice to make.  And it really sucks.

The trauma of finding your partner has been disloyal on multiple occasions, and the subsequent mistrust can absolutely affect your desire and arousal.  Even though it’s your boyfriend’s fault that this has happened, unfortunately the responsibility now lies with you to decide whether to work through it, or break up.

It’s very possible that he’s never actually cheated, and it’s possible he never intended to actually cheat.  A lot of people get enough from the excitement of online flirting.  But it’s still a violation of your trust and can be just as damaging to a relationship.

It really depends on how much of a violation of trust you consider his actions.  Does it really matter to you that he looked elsewhere for a bit of fun and attention?  Is that something that you consider to be an irreparable attack on your relationship?  Or a thoughtless mistake?  How well has he handled things since your discovery of what he had done?  Has he acted like a dickhead, or has he made an effort to sincerely apologise and make you feel secure?   When you look the whole trajectory of your relationship, is this the one fuck up in 4 years of (mainly) good times?  Or has he been shitty and disrespectful in other ways?

What it comes down to is whether or not he is able to earn back your trust, and whether or not it’s even worth the work.  It’s not fair for either of you to stay in a relationship that is fraught with paranoia, suspicion and distrust.  You can punish him for what he’s done, but it will punish you also.

So what you need to decide is whether or not you’re willing to FULLY forgive his transgressions. As in 100% move on in your relationship with a fresh outlook and blind faith that he wont repeat these actions.   And if you can’t manage that then yes, I think it’s better to break up.