Hi Pro Boner I have a really weird question. I’m in a quite new relationship, and I’ve started to notice that my boyfriend does this thing where we’ll be kissing and stuff and after a while he’ll put his hand in my pants and work out how wet I am.
If I’m really wet he’ll get excited that I’m turned on and then we’ll end up having sex. But then sometimes he’ll touch and I’m not as wet, or we will be trying to have sex, and I’m not that wet. Then I think he gets turned off and kind of offended.
He will try for a bit and then give up if I don't get wetter and it's not really easy for him to slide in to me.
He doesn’t really believe me if I say that I actually am turned on and want him to keep going. I feel like I'm telling the truth but he says that I don't feel turned on and that we don't have to have sex if I'm not in the mood.
Is it unusual that I (in my early 20s) am not always getting wet when I’m turned on? How can I get him to understand that I’m not lying when I say I’m turned on but my I’m not wet?
What’s extra weird is that sometimes when he says I’m really wet, I have no idea and don’t feel particularly aroused.
What you describe is arousal nonconcordance and not weird in the slightest. Genital response doesn’t always match up with how aroused you feel. That is a scientific fact for your RUDE boyfriend.
Men are generally more aware of their genital responses than women are (a boner is hard to miss). And your boyfriend can probably recall a time in which he has experienced an unwanted genital response OR a lack of genital response when he really could have used it.
Though he should also be aware that it's found that for men there’s a much larger overlap between genital response and subjective feeling of arousal than there is for women.
Basically, this means that in general, men’s genitals are more likely to be an accurate representation of their feelings of arousal than women’s genitals are. But for both men, and women it makes more sense to rely on what an individual tells you with their words than what their genitals tell you with their moistness and rigidity.
That your boyfriend is ignoring what you are saying in favour of deciding how you feel based on how wet you feel to him, to me is a sign that he is either very ignorant or a huge butthole.
You need to tell this guy:
"LISTEN TO MY WORDS, NOT MY VAGINAL SECRETIONS"
That means trust you when you say you're turned on. And ALSO INCLUDES don’t assume you're turned on just because you're wet (!!!).
Also you could let him know about these things called foreplay and lube.