My girlfriend won't let me go down on her


Hi Sofi, I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year and in that time she hasn’t let me go down on her even once.  For some background; we’re both 21 and have similar levels of past sexual experience. 

She goes down on me regularly and seems to enjoy it.  Eating pussy was never really my thing, and I’ve only done it a handful of times in one night stand situations when it’s what the girl wanted.  So at the beginning of our relationship I was fine that it wasn’t her thing.  But now, a year in it’s something that I’ve found I really want to do for her.  I love her and I love her vagina so of course I want to taste it.  

She says that she has had a guy go down on her once or twice before and she just doesn’t enjoy it.  I’m a little bit sceptical because I’ve never heard of a woman who doesn’t like oral sex.  I think it’s more of a self-conscious thing and that she doesn’t want my face that close to her vagina.  She’s body conscious and we tend to have sex under the covers or lights off.

Even though this was no big deal at the beginning I find myself more and more wanting to make this happen.  I feel like I should be able to go down on my long term girlfriend.  And I feel like I should reciprocate, considering all the head she has given me…

Is this common in relationships?  How can I convince her to let me try, or is it wrong for me to even be trying to convince her?


Hey buddy.  Whilst you’re likely right about it possibly being a self-consciousness issue, it’s also perfectly possible that she simply doesn’t like to be the recipient of oral sex.  And yes, it is usually wrong (and annoying) to try and get someone to do something they said they don’t want to do.  

For the record, it’s more than fine for there to be an imbalance in the giving and receiving of head in your relationship so long as you are both are happy and satisfied. What is common in other relationships is completely irrelevant.

However, what is relevant is that it's common for women, and young women in particular, to be self conscious about their genitals unfortunately.  And a really shitty consequence of feeling embarrassed or ashamed of ones genitals, is to not to be able to use them to their full potential for pleasure.

Being that she’s only 21 and has an oral history of a total of one mouth on her vagina, I think she owes it to her own potential for pleasure to give it at least one go with you. So I think it's fine, not for you to try and convince her, but absolutely to try and get her to consider it. 
And though this may seem contrary to my reasoning for why she should let you eat her pussy, my advice is to switch the focus away from being about her pleasure and to emphasise your desire instead. 

So, maybe the main reason you want to do it is to make her feel good and pay her back for all the blowjobs, but you do have your own selfish reasons for it too.  Like you said... you really want to taste it.
Letting her know that actually, this isn’t all about you doing a favour for her, and rather that she is in possession of something that you really desire, may help her to relax about the idea and feel more in control.

My next bit of advice is that you can try and undo a bit of that self-consciousness by really convincing her that her vagina is simply SPECTACULAR to you. 

And if you do manage to convince her and she grants you oral access, my last and maybe biggest bit of advice is that I’d strongly suggest a tentative approach of slowly increasing the degree of contact.
So for starters you make sure you are buried in complete darkness under the duvet. But also (for example) the first time you can have her leave her knickers on, or even wear leggings or tights, so you are only able to kiss her through the material. 

Using steps like these, instead of diving straight in, allows her to slowly get used to having your face so close, adjust to new sensations, and feel more comfortable to hopefully begin to enjoy them. And as a bonus restricting contact can also be sexy and suspense building for the both of you.

Posted on April 6, 2016 .