Help! My boyfriend hasn't had sex with me for 6 months.

Q

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and since late last year we stopped having sex as often as usual. I assumed he was cheating on me, and when I confronted him he said he wasn't but he just hasn't "been in the mood". So for the rest of the year we would have sex once or twice a month.

At the start of the new year we had sex the 1st week of January and have not had it since then.  I've been trying to understand why my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me. He tells me it's not me and it's all him. He doesn't know why he isn't in the "mood". I'm starting to get discouraged here and my insecurities aren't helping. It's starting to cause a problem in the relationship. Any advice would help.

A

Firstly I'm so sorry you've been having to deal with this.  It's extremely horrible to feel sexually rejected by your partner and anyone would be feeling insecure in your position.  What your boyfriend is doing is actually really selfish and unfair to you, whatever his reasons.  


Your boyfriend needs to investigate why he isn't in the mood.  When he made a monogamous commitment to you, he also made a commitment to be your sexual partner and to meet your sexual needs, and he has failed to do that.  There are a number of reasons why he could be not having sex with you, and it's his responsibility to work out which it is and how to resolve it - for your sake and for the sake of your relationship.


Here are the options:


1. He's cheating 
2. He's un-attracted to you 
3. He's gay 
4. He has a physical problem
5. He has a psychological/environmental problem
6. He's asexual 


If he isn't 1-3 then he should go to a doctor and discuss the possibilities of 4 and 5.  He should explain to a doctor that he has not had a desire for sex since JANUARY. 

Probably the best way of distinguishing if he is 1, 2, or 3 is by taking in to account whether he masturbates or not.  If he masturbates then there is some sort of desire and arousal going on, but if he doesn't then he may genuinely be experiencing very low or no desire for sex at all, which leads us to options 4, 5 and 6.


There are physical explanations and medical reasons for lack of desire, and he should be examined and tested by a medical professional.  Most of these things are treatable, so it could be as simple as him taking a pill to get your sex life going again.  He should also check lifestyle factors, and any medications that he may be on.  For example, antidepressants can have various effects on sexual function.


Psychological or environmental factors can have a surprisingly detrimental effect on libido.  If he is struggling with a lot of stress, depression or anxiety this could be the explanation also.  And in these cases there is also often a treatment/solution.  


If he's telling you the truth about just not being in the mood, he's probably experiencing some stress/depression/anxiety ABOUT the situation also.  You should be sensitive to this and understanding that it may be difficult for him to deal with.  BUT you should also tell him that just saying he is not in the mood for months on end is hard for you to deal with too!  There is action he can easily take to work out the route of his lack of desire.  And by not taking action he is being a neglectful partner, which you don't deserve.


And then if options 1-5 are completely ruled out perhaps he may be asexual.  In which case you can talk and make a decision as to whether you want an asexual partner or not.


Sit him down and lay out the options.  Tell him if he can honestly rule out options 1-3, then you will help him and support him in his investigation of possible causes, and you'll be patient as you work together to find a solution.  But if he refuses to engage, and refuses to take action then you should take your vagina elsewhere.  


I wish you the best of luck and admire your patience up to this point (as should he). But now it's time for you to stop feeling bad about this thing that you have not caused in anyway, and shift the responsibility over to him.