Rougher Sex

Q

Hey. I’ve been in a great relationship for a couple of years now.  Everything is really good with my boyfriend and it’s just all round a really strong and happy relationship.  My one thing is just that he is very gentle and maybe a bit restrained in sex.  I’ve always liked quite rough sex, like not full on 50 shades but maybe a dominant slightly aggressive partner a little hair pulling and smacking around.  My current bf doesn’t even like to slap my arse too hard incase he hurts me...  The sex is physically fulfilling in the sense that he feels good, he spends a long time on foreplay and I do orgasm.  But I just feel frustrated like can he just forget he loves me for a few mins and just be a little rougher and not so sweet and gentle.  What can I do to get him to do this?  Or can I not? 

A

What you can do is... ask him.  Did you try and ask him yet?  For some reason people forget that they can talk about this kind of thing. 

First I’d present the topic during sex, just like ‘hey buddy can you increase the intensity of the butt slapping a little?’  And if that doesn’t do the trick you should have a proper chat when you’re not having sex where you can clearly explain to your partner what it is you’re hoping to get out of him, whilst avoiding telling him that he’s been doing the opposite for two years (it would be good to mention that he has been getting you off and you appreciate his commitment to foreplay).

 

He’s probably going to take a little while to get to the level that you’re hoping for.  But anyway it’s definitely a good idea to ramp up the intensity slowly rather than going from 0 to 100 in one step.  Building up to it means that you can both make sure you’re comfortable with everything each step of the way.

 

There is a chance that he will be resistant or even refuse to be rougher with you.  Either because it’s not a turn on for him, or because he’s fearful of hurting you.

People should obviously always avoid actually harming someone they’re having sex with (and never introduce anything of the rougher or more risqué variety without prior consent or explicit approval).  But it’s not real violence that you’re asking for, it’s consensual rough sex in a long term relationship and if that’s what you want or need to get off, then he’s not being a considerate partner by denying you it, he’s being a silly selfish one.

 

If he’s scared of hurting you, you just have to reassure him that it is genuinely what you’re after and that you are genuinely enjoying it.  You should also assure him that if he does cross a line you will let him know immediately, and maybe you should even work out a safe word system to put his mind at ease.  And hopefully if it’s just not a turn on for him to be dominant and rough, maybe your obvious enjoyment might be.

 

He doesn’t need to “forget he loves you for a few mins”, he needs to remember he loves you and prove it by leaving a big red hand print on your butt cheek. 

But if he tries being rougher with you and it’s really not his cup of tea to the extent that he can barely drink that tea without becoming emotionally scarred… then perhaps you just can’t have this kind of sex with your boyfriend.


Posted on October 5, 2015 .