My boyfriend and I have been together just under a year and I'd say we are very close and loved up. The relationship is going really well and most of the time I’m very happy and secure in it. My problem is that on a couple of occasions he's said another girls name during sex. A girl that he used to see right before we got together… It really upsets me and puts doubts in my mind about whether he really wants to be with me. He says it doesn't mean anything but I'm not sure if that’s possible? Can you help?
I was hesitant to respond to this because I can hardly believe this is real life - I thought saying the wrong person's name in sex was just a cliché premise used in shitty TV and movies. However, I read your words a few more times over and decided that it may, in fact, be true.
Being that it is such an obvious sex-scene premise (one used to indicate a character’s ‘true desire’ in a moment of uninhibited passion) means, I imagine, that it must’ve felt really unpleasant to hear that. Not just once, but on a “couple of occasions”! But I don’t agree with the indications of this premise and I don’t think that your boyfriend saying his ex's name in sex necessarily means anything threatening to your relationship.
I’m not sure how early on these incidents occurred, but seeing as he had been with her soon before you, it could quite simply be that he’d gotten into the habit of saying her particular name during sex, so it slipped out again. Just as a sound, devoid of association to the person.
OR maybe it just happened again last week, and it slipped out because he was reminded of her, or was even (I’m sorry) fantasizing about her. But these things are okay and don’t mean he wants to leave you and be with her. People go to all sorts of places in their heads during sex, and often it's in no way related to their real world desires. Look to your own erotic imagination for proof of this!
I think if you feel happy and secure in your relationship and your boyfriend has expressed that him saying this girls name in sex is meaningless, you can take him at his word on it. I would however still have a chat with him to let him know that whilst it might not mean anything, it still hurts to hear it, so he should take care to be more considerate in future.
It’s certainly weird and if it happens a third time I think it becomes actually quite rude. If this scenario does repeat itself I would suggest answering back with his Dad’s name.